Did you know that the Jonas Brothers broke up? Me neither. They may be on hiatus, or whatever, but the oldest one is married and the youngest had a side project (or so my 8 year old sister tells me), which left poor Joe in the cold. But being the talented singer/tambourine player that he is, Joe figured that his adoring fans would follow him in his journey to Solotown, just like we did with Justin Timberlake in 2003.

The result is “Fastlife,” an album that my mother bought me as a joke. Haha, Mom, joke’s on you.

Quick aside: I’m about to spend 24 hours on 3 separate planes plus 10 or so hours in the airport with layovers. I’m not in a position to turn away free music or free books. Also, I adore pop music. Obviously, we’re too old to be considered the Jonas Brothers’ target market, but you have to admit that “Burnin’ Up” was really catchy.

But here’s the deal: this album is exactly what you’d expect. It’s one part of a kid’s group trying to grow up and be sexy. Nothing new. We saw it with Britney, Xtina, Justin Timberlake, Miley, etc. Our parents saw it, our grandparents saw it, tale as old as time. What’s slightly different is that this time it’s even weirder. I’ve never had a problem with artists trying to grow up. It might not have made for good music, but neither would a 30 year old singing about the super cute guy she has a crush on (omg y’all, Taylor Swift in 10 years?!?). What I have a problem with is Joe “Purity Ring” Jonas telling me that he’d like to get drunk and “get into my lane” even though he’s tired of my game-playing and I should stop acting like “it’s [my] first time.”

Dude! Isn’t it YOUR first time?

Anyway, back to this (sorry, I had to go shower). This album isn’t sexy, but it’s trying so, so hard.

This entire thing was written so I could say one thing.

Dear everyone, I do not care if you are a virgin or not. Dear celebrities, stop marketing yourself by your sexuality or lack thereof.

If you’re out and about in Athens tonight, I suggest you stop by New Earth Music Hall for Athens DubStomp Summer Step Series. Because, you know, there isn’t too much more you could ask for than a free party with good music downtown on a Saturday night.

Come beat the summer boredom and party down with your friends at Athens DubStomp. Enjoy cool drinks and hot beats every Saturday night at New Earth Music Hall. Free Entry and summer drink specials all night.

Featuring:

Pound Town
http://soundcloud.com/poundtown

Nexus
http://soundcloud.com/nexus_dj

Maagician
http://www.mixcloud.com/Maagician

FREE ENTRY,
DRINK SPECIALS

Sidebar:
New Earth parties are great fun—the only problem is the timing. Sure, the music starts shortly after the listed start time—but, the venue tends to stay rather empty until closer to midnight for the dance parties. It’s cool though, because you can get cheaper drinks elsewhere before you head out to dance.