I’m currently writing this the way Dan Harmon would have wanted it, and yeah, we’re all bummed, but let’s talk about the finale on Thursday that seems to be overshadowed by Sony and NBC’s skullduggery.

Those final moments were the closest TV has gotten to the last minute of the Friday Night Light finale “Always”* which itself was the closest network TV has gotten to The Wire’s finale. Harmon called it a bow to the audience, thanking them for watching the show all year.** And that’s what he did, but not just for the year, but the three years he was there. It definitely felt like he knew that his time was up, which is why he borrowed The Wire’s finale montage of using its theme song as the music. As has been noted on some sites about the return to the pilot (not unlike Arrested Development’s series finale), it really seemed like Dan Harmon knew he was gone and went out the way he wanted to.

I’m sad to see the show I cared about for 3 years go***, and it would be really easy to be mad at Sony and NBC, but I guess I’m Troy at the end of “Basic Rocket Science.” What kind of company would not only let someone write three paintball episodes, a Law and Order parody, a Goodfellas homage, a Pulp Fiction bait-and-switch to My Dinner with Andre, but actually give that person the money to make those episodes and air them? We were lucky to get 3 years, and there’s nothing anyone can do to take them away.

Actually. SHIT. Don’t read that last sentence, Sony/NBC. Don’t take them away from us. Please. You’ve given us enough panic attacks for 10 seasons of Breaking Bad.

*”Always” has the infamy of beating out Mad Men’s “The Suitcase” in the Emmy for Outstanding Writing for Drama. My take? “The Suitcase” is the better episode. Written, acted, as an overall piece of television. If you were to put ten episodes of television in a time capsule to exemplify television of the early 2000s, that’s on that list. But “Always” is a much finer example of what Friday Night Lights the show was about as a whole. And it makes this grown man cry more.

** It’s somewhere in this series. I really hope either Todd VanDerWerff interviewed Harmon before he was fired or he’s able to interview Harmon again for the third season because these are enlightening pieces into the writing mind and production process.

*** It can still be a good, maybe even a great show. The duo that are taking over also worked on Happy Endings, and that is a very fine show. But it won’t be Dan Harmon’s Community.

As you might have heard Sony (not NBC, NBC doesn’t own the show*) fired Dan Harmon off Community, which means the end of Community as we know it and probably the start of some half-assed 9th Season of Scrubs-like fourth season at worst, and a “Eh, it’s enjoyable to hang out with these people, I guess, but remember the first three seasons, man?” fourth season. So, you’re probably rewatching the series, like I am, and pouring one out for the fallen leader. So, here’s the rules (shots can be fingers of your drink, also):

• Jeff Winger speech- If it fails, take a shot. If it succeeds, two shots/half your drink.
• Abed says “Cool/Cool. Cool cool cool.” or Abed refers to life being like a TV show-take a shot.
• Britta is the worst- take a shot. If someone outside the group calls Britta the worst, take two shots.
• Annie gasps in shock or Awwws something- take a shot. Two shots if it’s in conjunction with Shirley doing the same thing.
• Shirley uses her sexy voice/mentions Jesus- take a shot. If both, take two shots.
• Pierce comically misses the point- take a shot.**
• Donald Glover one liner or Troy mishears/mispronounces a word- take a shot.
• Dean in a costume- take a shot. (Don’t start with “Paradigms of Human Memory”)
• 1st season only: Chang abuses his teaching powers, take a shot. 2nd and 3rd season: Chang uses his name as a pun, take a shot. Anyone else uses Chang’s name as a pun, two shots.
• You spot a movie reference/TV Trope before it’s said by name- two shots. After it’s said- one shot.
• Shipping moments: Trobed, Jean, Anbed, Jetta, Brinnie, Abetta, Jennie, Broy- one shot. Jerley, Cherly, Shierce, Channie’s Boobs- 2 shots. Aang (either Abed/Chang or Annie/Chang)-3 shots.

*Although NBC wasn’t really all that worked up about it, with Bob Greenblatt saying, “[S]hows lose showrunners all the time.” It’s not their fault that Dan Harmon was fired, but it’s kind of their fault that they didn’t renew the show with a clause that he’d still be on as showrunner (because why renew it in the first place anyway?).

**I guess you could also add “Pierce says something racist/homophobic” but hey, it’s your liver.

The best part about watching the teasers for all these ABC pilots is how many times “from the __________ of Gossip Girl” has show up so far. Because, you know, that’s a draw.

666 Park: “The new Lost… from Alloy Entertainment and the minds behind Gossip Girl and Pretty Little Liars.” ‘Nuff said. Real take away: remember the attractive sibling from Brothers and Sisters? He’s back! Also, John Locke and Vanessa Williams.

Mistresses: “From the writer of Gossip Girl” THE writer? Well, from what I can tell, it’s an adaptation of an ok BBC show. Also, it will give Alyssa Milano’s teeth the vehicle they need in the 21st century. 

Nashville didn’t mention anything about Gossip Girl… but, it did use “from the writer of Thelma and Louise” as their cred-line. Also, the thrust of this show seems to be mocking Taylor Swift.

At this point I would like to point out that there’s a new Reba McIntyre comedy where she also plays a country singer. It sounds like a reversal of the year NBC had Studio 60 and 30 Rock on the schedule. Honestly, it looks like they’re attempting to build a Friday night family comedy block a la the early days of TGIF. 

There are other trailers out there for you to enjoy—but, none of them seemed amazingly terrible or used Gossip Girl as the unlikely way to buy cred. I mean, did they see that finale?

So, quickly, there’s:

• A Dutch mystery adaptation. Meh.
• Celia Hodes + Second Becky + Lurch. Hmmmm….
• Another UK import with the silver lining of J.K. Simmons—but, with one of the skinny halves of one of the fat-man-skinny-wife CBS comedies.
• Something about a submarine? Political intrigue?
• I would have loved this show on Nickelodeon in the 90s. No, but really, Nick is missing out on this one 20 years ago.
• That guy who died of brain cancer on E.R. 15 years ago pulls a DaVinci code.

This news is the best news about next season that took me a month to see. The fit is quite perfect once you let the first season of Smash sink in all the way.

Gossip Girl is a show about people you don’t really care about doing things you don’t really care about. You’re told to like them and that they are important—but, you don’t and they aren’t. It is a show best viewed over wine. It is a show full of ridiculousness built upon a foundation of gold lamé ridiculousness.

Smash is a show about people you don’t really care about doing things you don’t really care about. You’re told you should care about their lives and aspirations—but, you don’t. It is a show best viewed after playing my NBC Talent Show Drinking Game. It is a show full of ridiculousness built upon a foundation of shiny, gold lighting. There is also singing. (The songs are actually quite good.)

Angelica Houston’s Eileen is basically Lilly Van Der Humphrey complete with bastard ex-husband and a bar-tending Deus Ex Rufus. 

Ellis is basically Dan Humphrey and Vanessa Abrams’ sexually ambiguous bastard-child.

Katherine McPhee’s Karen is easily a analogue of dead-eyes Serena.

Megan Hilty’s Ivy and that dude from Coupling’s director character are probably Blair and Chuck—but, I’m basing this one on just him having sex with other women and me tiring of their relationship after one episode.

I’m drawing a blank on character elements about Debra Messing’s character and Tom except that she looks depressing and he’s gay and has sad-eyes… so, I’m going to say she’s early-stage-Lil’J and he’s Eric Van Der Woodsen.

This show is garbage. And in complete honesty, I haven’t seen the last two or so episodes.

• Bart Bass is back? I mean, I kind of expected this like at the end of season three, four tops, so when he didn’t come back, I just figured he was actually dead (because I’m a moron because I’ve seen waaaaay too much of this show). And he’s back as a completely horrible person? Which, I mean, he started as a horrible, lack of emotion person whose point was to eventually show the cracks in the armor, but I guess that was during a point when this show was less complete garbage.
• Lily and Rufus- I can’t. Really. Both of you are awful which is why you’re separating but at the same logic why you are perfect together, so.
• Blair “chooses” Chuck for no fucking reason (which makes no sense because he sold her for a hotel he sold her for a hotel he sold her for a hotel) about five minutes after being absolutely right about van der Horribleperson (OH, we’ll get there). And the kicker, “You’ve been fighting for me all year,” because, nope, the guy she’s been banging all spring hasn’t been fighting for her, nope. I’m not emotionally invested in Dair, but I am emotionally invested in logic.
• Nate continues to be pointless and with a cold sore(? that’s lasted five weeks? I’m a straight dude, and all I’m staring at is the lump on his lip).
• Dan…I don’t even know what to say. He’s probably the most logical person here. You know what? I’m with you and Lola and Ivy. Fuck these guys. Burn this social circle to the ground and salt the earth.
• Chuck. “It was my empire!” YOU ARE 22, MAYBE. Hey, yeah, maybe your dad was kind of a dick by coming back from the dead and taking away the empire but he is an adult and hasn’t sold a person for a hotel (probably embezzled some money, and maybe some fraud, but not sex trafficking).
• And finally, Serena van der Horribleperson. Actually, I kind of admire what the writers are doing here (if only they did it to Chuck as well). Because they realized she’s a van der Horribleperson! No, seriously! It’s almost as if they watched Breaking Bad before the season started and wanted to write a complete downward spiral of cuntery and apply it to her! (No, I’m not insane enough to write a Master’s thesis called “Serialized Downward Spiral Characterization: Comparing and Contrasting the Character Development of Walter White and Serena van der Woodsen”) It’s like selling meth for money is fucking Dan for ???? “A girls walks into a bar and sees her boyfriend getting fucked and you think that of me? No! I am the one who fucks your boyfriend!”- Serena van der Horribleperson.

But hey, a shortened final season for the show, so I guess all terrible things come to an end.

And that will bring the total episode count to 122. List of better shows that have (or probably will have) less episode counts (I’m excluding cable networks because I’d be here all day):

• Firefly
• Angel
• Community (on Fridays this fall and only a 13 episode order, so make sure to watch it, so that we can Chuck it and get an extra nine episodes!)
• LOST, by about this much (both in quality and the number of episodes)
• Freaks and Geeks
• Chuck
• Friday Night Lights
• Veronica Mars
• Pushing Daisies
• Arrested Development
• etc.

1. Watch NBC every Monday.
2. Make a large, alcoholic drink.
3. Drink every time your cringe.
4. Suddenly, once 10PM comes around, you’ll think Smash is AMAZING.

Overview

Is this my new favorite because of 30 Rock’s ever-increasing cartoonish-ness? Probably not. I love cartoons. Maybe Parks and Rec just isn’t as funny? Again, no, this is maybe the funniest season of Parks and Rec yet. Is it because I’ve somehow began to loathe how uninteresting How I Met Your Mother has become? Maybe a little—ok, a lot.

It has to do with the cast of characters. This show has all the appeal of an interesting version of How I Met your Mother. It’s like Friends meets people who don’t just magically maintain lavish incomes with little-to-no signs of employment. These characters, though completely crazy sit-com archetypes, manage to bring something more to the table.

We Hate Everything

The characters on Happy Ending seem to hate everything except each other—and even that is sometimes tenuous. This is something that my group of friends can definitely relate to.

There’s actually a show that utilizes our generation’s love of cynicism and I’m happy for that. There is a common, universal fact that anyone will eventually learn as they age: everyone and everything is annoying.

Finally, there’s a show out there that we, the terrible generation, can enjoy with our Wednesday night glass (or so) of wine.

The Gossip

I haven’t been watching Gossip Girl as much as I used to. Sure, I’ll get caught up eventually. It’s just that I think it might have been let to go past its experation date. I’ve moved on to fresher shows that go well with a vodka tonic and hefty doses of digital mockery—I mean, have you seen The Secret Circle? That stuff is epic.

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