The best part about watching the teasers for all these ABC pilots is how many times “from the __________ of Gossip Girl” has show up so far. Because, you know, that’s a draw.

666 Park: “The new Lost… from Alloy Entertainment and the minds behind Gossip Girl and Pretty Little Liars.” ‘Nuff said. Real take away: remember the attractive sibling from Brothers and Sisters? He’s back! Also, John Locke and Vanessa Williams.

Mistresses: “From the writer of Gossip Girl” THE writer? Well, from what I can tell, it’s an adaptation of an ok BBC show. Also, it will give Alyssa Milano’s teeth the vehicle they need in the 21st century. 

Nashville didn’t mention anything about Gossip Girl… but, it did use “from the writer of Thelma and Louise” as their cred-line. Also, the thrust of this show seems to be mocking Taylor Swift.

At this point I would like to point out that there’s a new Reba McIntyre comedy where she also plays a country singer. It sounds like a reversal of the year NBC had Studio 60 and 30 Rock on the schedule. Honestly, it looks like they’re attempting to build a Friday night family comedy block a la the early days of TGIF. 

There are other trailers out there for you to enjoy—but, none of them seemed amazingly terrible or used Gossip Girl as the unlikely way to buy cred. I mean, did they see that finale?

So, quickly, there’s:

• A Dutch mystery adaptation. Meh.
• Celia Hodes + Second Becky + Lurch. Hmmmm….
• Another UK import with the silver lining of J.K. Simmons—but, with one of the skinny halves of one of the fat-man-skinny-wife CBS comedies.
• Something about a submarine? Political intrigue?
• I would have loved this show on Nickelodeon in the 90s. No, but really, Nick is missing out on this one 20 years ago.
• That guy who died of brain cancer on E.R. 15 years ago pulls a DaVinci code.

This news is the best news about next season that took me a month to see. The fit is quite perfect once you let the first season of Smash sink in all the way.

Gossip Girl is a show about people you don’t really care about doing things you don’t really care about. You’re told to like them and that they are important—but, you don’t and they aren’t. It is a show best viewed over wine. It is a show full of ridiculousness built upon a foundation of gold lamé ridiculousness.

Smash is a show about people you don’t really care about doing things you don’t really care about. You’re told you should care about their lives and aspirations—but, you don’t. It is a show best viewed after playing my NBC Talent Show Drinking Game. It is a show full of ridiculousness built upon a foundation of shiny, gold lighting. There is also singing. (The songs are actually quite good.)

Angelica Houston’s Eileen is basically Lilly Van Der Humphrey complete with bastard ex-husband and a bar-tending Deus Ex Rufus. 

Ellis is basically Dan Humphrey and Vanessa Abrams’ sexually ambiguous bastard-child.

Katherine McPhee’s Karen is easily a analogue of dead-eyes Serena.

Megan Hilty’s Ivy and that dude from Coupling’s director character are probably Blair and Chuck—but, I’m basing this one on just him having sex with other women and me tiring of their relationship after one episode.

I’m drawing a blank on character elements about Debra Messing’s character and Tom except that she looks depressing and he’s gay and has sad-eyes… so, I’m going to say she’s early-stage-Lil’J and he’s Eric Van Der Woodsen.

This show is garbage. And in complete honesty, I haven’t seen the last two or so episodes.

• Bart Bass is back? I mean, I kind of expected this like at the end of season three, four tops, so when he didn’t come back, I just figured he was actually dead (because I’m a moron because I’ve seen waaaaay too much of this show). And he’s back as a completely horrible person? Which, I mean, he started as a horrible, lack of emotion person whose point was to eventually show the cracks in the armor, but I guess that was during a point when this show was less complete garbage.
• Lily and Rufus- I can’t. Really. Both of you are awful which is why you’re separating but at the same logic why you are perfect together, so.
• Blair “chooses” Chuck for no fucking reason (which makes no sense because he sold her for a hotel he sold her for a hotel he sold her for a hotel) about five minutes after being absolutely right about van der Horribleperson (OH, we’ll get there). And the kicker, “You’ve been fighting for me all year,” because, nope, the guy she’s been banging all spring hasn’t been fighting for her, nope. I’m not emotionally invested in Dair, but I am emotionally invested in logic.
• Nate continues to be pointless and with a cold sore(? that’s lasted five weeks? I’m a straight dude, and all I’m staring at is the lump on his lip).
• Dan…I don’t even know what to say. He’s probably the most logical person here. You know what? I’m with you and Lola and Ivy. Fuck these guys. Burn this social circle to the ground and salt the earth.
• Chuck. “It was my empire!” YOU ARE 22, MAYBE. Hey, yeah, maybe your dad was kind of a dick by coming back from the dead and taking away the empire but he is an adult and hasn’t sold a person for a hotel (probably embezzled some money, and maybe some fraud, but not sex trafficking).
• And finally, Serena van der Horribleperson. Actually, I kind of admire what the writers are doing here (if only they did it to Chuck as well). Because they realized she’s a van der Horribleperson! No, seriously! It’s almost as if they watched Breaking Bad before the season started and wanted to write a complete downward spiral of cuntery and apply it to her! (No, I’m not insane enough to write a Master’s thesis called “Serialized Downward Spiral Characterization: Comparing and Contrasting the Character Development of Walter White and Serena van der Woodsen”) It’s like selling meth for money is fucking Dan for ???? “A girls walks into a bar and sees her boyfriend getting fucked and you think that of me? No! I am the one who fucks your boyfriend!”- Serena van der Horribleperson.

But hey, a shortened final season for the show, so I guess all terrible things come to an end.

And that will bring the total episode count to 122. List of better shows that have (or probably will have) less episode counts (I’m excluding cable networks because I’d be here all day):

• Firefly
• Angel
• Community (on Fridays this fall and only a 13 episode order, so make sure to watch it, so that we can Chuck it and get an extra nine episodes!)
• LOST, by about this much (both in quality and the number of episodes)
• Freaks and Geeks
• Chuck
• Friday Night Lights
• Veronica Mars
• Pushing Daisies
• Arrested Development
• etc.

1. Watch NBC every Monday.
2. Make a large, alcoholic drink.
3. Drink every time your cringe.
4. Suddenly, once 10PM comes around, you’ll think Smash is AMAZING.

The best approach to ridding yourself of a hangover is certainly to not get one. You can accomplish this with a few pro-tips:

1. Eat healthy foods before you begin drinking.
2. Do the usual dance of alternating drinks with water. Order a water with every drink and don’t get another drink until the water is gone.
3. Before you go to bed, take a time-release B-Complex supplement.

If you forgot to do those things, you might wake up feeling rough. It’s cool, though, because I have you covered on this end of the hangover too. 

1. As soon as you can eat something, eat something.
2. Take your favorite pain reliever cocktail. I prefer Advil Cold and Sinus, because my main problem is that my allergies have decided to attack my now-dried up sinus cavities.
3. Remember those time release B vitamins? Take them right now.
4. Drink a ton of water. Coconut water is nice, too.
5. Speaking of water, you smell terrible. I would suggest you take a shower.
6. Get your intestines situated by either eating some yoghurt, drinking some kombucha, or taking some pro-biotic supplements. 
7. Memories will start to come back of the previous night. You’ll want to take care of this by drinking a little bit more booze. My favorite hangover drink is the classic bloody mary. It really helps easing the withdrawal symptoms you’re forcing your body through since you forgot to take it slow last night.
8. By this point, you’ve probably been awake for 2-3 hours. Take a nap, you deserve it.
9. Hopefully, the food, probiotics, and time have helped. This will lead to the final phase of any hangover: Hangover Poop. It’s the worst smelling poop—but, it marks the end of you body’s fight to rid itself of all that poison you shoved in it.

If you still have a hangover, only time will heal it. Place a trashcan next to your bed, open your laptop to Netflix, and cancel all of your appointments. 

On the other hand, this may have worked for you. I hope you celebrate by drinking a bottle of wine alone in your room while browsing Tumblr! This has never given me a hangover.*

Happy drinking!

*Only true when I stick to red wine with a relatively low sugar-content.